The Grace of Presence – Supporting Someone Through Grief

Dear Ladies,

I want to take a moment to express how deeply I appreciate you during this time – your outpouring of support has been truly felt. Your comments, your messages, your quiet presence…they have all helped ease my pain.

In this newsletter, I’ll be sharing some thoughts on how to write to someone who is grieving. But to be honest with you – there are no perfect words. If you feel the impulse to reach out, even with a simple emoji, please do. It will be received with warmth.

Once again, thank you for being with me, and for being there for me.

The woman I am today was shaped in part by the gentleman I lost – Alexei. The stories I tell in my classes, the examples I share - they were lived. The respect I speak about, I experienced. The care, the admiration, the love – I knew them, and that is why I speak to you with such certainty.

You do not need to compromise yourself to be loved. What you need is to know yourself. To believe in your intuition. To trust your feelings. And when they speak to you – follow them. Vulnerably. Openly. Wholeheartedly.

At the end of your life, I want you to be able to say:
“My life was beautiful. It was full of memories and experiences I dared to live. I dared to send the message. I dared to share my feelings. I was open to the world.”

With all my heart, thank you.

How to Deal with Grief

The thoughts I’m about to share are not taken from the internet. I can’t point you to scientific evidence. These are my feelings, my reflections, my personal experience. I share them with you because they are real. And if even one part resonates with you, then I’ve done my part.

1. If you have lost someone you loved…
   First, know that I am here with you, sending you a virtual hug. In this moment, please let yourself feel. If you want to cry – cry. If you need to scream – scream. Let the emotions move through you. Don’t try to be strong. You are human, and you are allowed to grieve in the way that helps you process what has happened.

2. You may feel guilt – guilt for the words you didn’t say, or for the things you didn’t do.
   I’ve had those thoughts too. I don’t know if this is scientifically accurate, but I believe that every soul has its journey, and every journey has its time. As I write this, I cry, because it is a painful truth to accept. But there are forces greater than us. We cannot control the length of our lives. What’s left now is acceptance – and love.

3. Create a memory album.
   Gather photos, videos, written messages. It may feel difficult now, but over time, these pieces will help you hold onto the presence you miss so deeply. They will keep your memories vivid, even as time gently carries you forward.

4. If you haven’t started journaling – start now.
   Write down everything you can remember: the last conversation, how they looked, what you wore, the setting, the music, the words exchanged. Let it be your personal memory journal. It will become a treasure you can return to when needed.

5. Ask for a sign.
   I know this might sound unusual, but just ask. You don’t need to explain it. You may receive something – in a song, in light, in nature, in a stranger’s words. I once received a sign on a flight from New York to Los Angeles – and I knew without a doubt it was meant for me.

6. Prepare a dress for the ceremony.
   Yes, a dress. Think about what they would have appreciated. Choose something respectful, appropriate – but also something symbolic. Your outfit can be a message: “This is for you. My final dress-up in your honor. I want you to see it. I want you to know how much I love you.”

7. Reflect on the lessons they taught you.
   Even if your relationship had difficult moments, try to focus on the gifts they brought into your life. If they were brave — carry that bravery with you. Think of them as your angel. In moments when you need strength, remember: they are beside you.

8. Close your eyes – and speak to them.
   Even if it feels strange, speak. Say thank you. Say “I love you.” Say, “I wish we had more time.” You don’t need to expect an answer. Just speak from your heart. Many great minds – including Marie Curie – found comfort in speaking to their lost loved ones. It’s a way to stay connected.

9. You will have many kinds of days.
   Days of romanticizing memories. Days of resentment. Days of nostalgia. Your brain is trying to process pain and protect you. Let each day come and go. Let the feelings flow. You are doing something incredibly difficult – navigating grief. And that’s never linear. You are not broken. You are healing.

10. Finally, remember your last conversations. Were there plans you made together? Advice they gave you? Write them down now, while the memory is still fresh. Let those words shape your next steps. Let your loved one guide you still. They would want you to move forward – with strength, with clarity, with grace.

Supporting Someone Else Through Grief

The impulse to make things better is deeply human. When someone we care about is suffering, we want to fix it, to find the words that will ease their pain. But grief doesn't work that way, and our attempts to minimize or rationalize loss often create additional hurt.

If you are not very close to the person you are sending this message to, be very careful with the line "everything happens for a reason." It might bring you comfort in difficult times, but to someone whose world has just shattered, it suggests their devastating loss serves some cosmic purpose they should accept. This phrase dismisses the legitimacy of their pain and implies they should be finding meaning rather than simply feeling their grief.

"I know exactly how you feel" is almost never true. Even if you've experienced similar loss, each person's grief is profoundly individual. This phrase centers your experience rather than honoring theirs and can make the grieving person feel their unique pain isn't being recognized. 

"At least they lived a long life" or "At least you had time to say goodbye" or any sentence beginning with "at least" attempts to find silver linings in situations that don't have them. Grief doesn't diminish because someone was elderly or because death was expected. These phrases suggest the grieving person should feel grateful rather than devastated.

"You need to be strong" or "Stay strong" places an additional burden on someone already carrying enormous weight. Grief requires the opposite of strength – it requires the courage to be vulnerable, to fall apart, to feel everything without performing resilience for others' comfort.

"Time heals all wounds" might be intended to offer hope, but to someone in acute grief, it feels dismissive. It suggests they should wait passively for their pain to diminish rather than acknowledging the very real suffering they're experiencing right now.

And please, if you don’t know the family or a person – please don't ask what has happened – you never know what has happened and this question truly places a sadness every time we read it.

What to Say: The Language of Genuine Support

The most powerful words you can offer someone in grief are often the simplest. "I'm so sorry" acknowledges their loss without trying to fix, explain, or minimize it. These three words, delivered with genuine feeling and eye contact, communicate more support than elaborate speeches.

Specific memories honor both the deceased and the griever's connection to them. "I'll always remember how your mother lit up when she talked about your accomplishments" or "Your father's laugh was absolutely contagious" gives the grieving person a moment to connect with positive memories while feeling their loss is recognized and shared.

"There are no right words, but I want you to know I care" acknowledges the inadequacy of language while still showing up emotionally. This honesty about not knowing what to say is far more meaningful than filling silence with empty platitudes.

Throughout the last couple of days I’ve received recommendations of grieving songs and books that speak warm words, and they truly help to go through the pain.

If you have encountered conversations with the person who died – feel free to send a personal note and share this experience, share a couple of words – we met there, last time we spoke, he made me laugh, anything that can give the grieving person warm memories about the loved one they lost.

The Practical Grace of Action

Words matter, but actions often speak more clearly during grief. The most elegant support combines emotional presence with practical assistance that addresses the overwhelming logistics loss creates.

Instead of "Let me know if you need anything," which places burden on the grieving person to identify and request help, offer specific support. "I'm bringing dinner Tuesday at 6 PM" or "I'd like to come round – would Thursday afternoon work?" removes decision-making burden while providing genuine assistance.

The days and weeks after a funeral are when most support disappears, yet this is often when reality truly settles in and grief intensifies. Calendar a check-in for two weeks, one month, three months after the loss. Send a brief text: "Thinking of you today. No need to respond, just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts." This continued presence matters more than elaborate gestures immediately after the loss.

Handle social obligations on their behalf when appropriate. If you're close enough, offer to notify mutual friends, handle meal coordination, or manage the flood of condolence messages. Grieving people often feel overwhelmed by the administrative aspects of loss while simultaneously feeling guilty for not responding to everyone's kindness.

Respect their timeline and process. Some people want to talk constantly about their loss. Others need distraction and normalcy. Some return to work immediately. Others need extended time away. The elegant approach involves following their lead rather than imposing your assumptions about how grief should look.

Navigating Memorial Services

Funeral and memorial services present their own etiquette challenges. These gatherings bring together people with vastly different relationships to the deceased and varying comfort levels with grief and ritual.

Arrive on time and dress appropriately for the specific service. While black remains traditional, many modern memorials and different cultures embrace color or request specific attire. When in doubt, err on the side of conservative, respectful dress.

Keep your condolences to the immediate family brief at the service itself. A warm embrace, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and perhaps one specific memory if appropriate. Save longer conversations for later when they're not greeting dozens of people while managing their own overwhelming emotions.

Avoid treating the gathering as a social event to catch up with old friends. While reconnection naturally happens, keep the focus on supporting the grieving family rather than networking or socializing extensively with others you haven't seen in years.

All traditions are different – and ceremonies from different cultures or religions could be slightly different, please take your time to read the differences, watch YouTube videos if you are attending as a guest of the tradition you don’t practice.

When You Don't Know Them Well

Supporting someone through grief becomes more complicated when you're not close – a colleague whose parent died, an acquaintance who lost a spouse, a client experiencing loss. The principles remain similar, but the application requires additional care about boundaries.

A brief, sincere expression of condolence is always appropriate. "I was so sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathy." This acknowledges what happened without overstepping your relationship's boundaries.

In professional settings, offer practical coverage. "I can handle the presentation scheduled for next week if that would help" or "Please don't worry about the deadline – we'll figure it out" removes immediate pressure without forcing intimacy they may not want from a colleague.

Follow the griever's lead about whether they want to discuss the loss. Some people find comfort in talking about what happened even with acquaintances. Others prefer to maintain professional boundaries and keep grief private. Both approaches are valid.

Supporting someone through grief isn't about saying perfect words or performing elaborate gestures. It's about the willingness to sit with another person's pain without trying to fix it, minimize it, or escape from it.

This requires confronting our own discomfort with death, loss, and helplessness. It means accepting that sometimes there's nothing to do except show up, be present, and allow someone to grieve without asking them to protect us from their sadness.